More ATC Follies

Live conversations as reported by various pilots. You can read them all here….I’ve posted a few of my favorites for your amusement. Remember….ATC stands for “Air Traffic Control” My comments in parenthesis.

Los Angels ATC: Braniff 123…traffic at your 12:00…it’s an Arava
Braniff 123: What’s an Arava? (Note…I’ve never heard of it until I read this post…it’s an Israeli light transport)
Unknown: It looks like a monkey fu**ing a football.
Funny thing is…the “unknown” was correct. Click here for a picture.
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Here’s one involving everyone’s favorite airline, Northwest.

NY ATC: NW123 turn right 20 degrees for spacing into NYC.
Five minutes pass
NY ATC: NW123 did you turn right or left?
NW123: Ahhhh which way did you tell us to turn?
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ATC: Advise when ready to copy holding instructions
Capt: Uh negative we are not holding we want our approach clearance
ATC: Sorry but we are backed up with traffic you’ll have to hold
Capt: Fine then we are declearing minimal fuel
ATC: Ok understand you are declaring an emergency?
Capt: No we are declaring minimal fuel…it means we dont have time to deal w/ your bullsh*t holding clearance
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Just after Trans States started flying UAX flights into ORD: (Gotta love those Chicago controllers.)
ATC: Waterski XXXX, right turn, taxi Bravo Echo runway 4L
Waterski: Roger, taxi Bravo, Echo 4L
( they then make the right turn onto A instead of B and they find themselves nose to nose with a AA 777 under tow from the hanger)

Waterski: Uh, Waterski, uh, we made the right onto A, what would you like us to do?

ATC: I want you to go away….but that is not going to happen, now is it?
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The Brits have their own way of doing it….”Speedbird” is the call sign for a British Airways Flight.

ATC: Speedbird123 you didn’t make the noise-abatement turn!
Speedbird123: Oh, dreadfully sorry. Send the bill to the Queen.”

ATC: Speedbird 456, can you cross XXX below FL250? (ATC wants Speedbird to cross an intersection at 25,000 ft. i.e. Flight Level 250)
Speedbird456: I suppose so, but I’m afraid we cahn’t bring the aircraft down with us.”
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From a couple of sources…conversation goes something like this.

Aspen103: LAX Control, Aspen103, request Flight Level 600 (This means the pilot want to go to 60,000 feet!!! Most commercial aircraft fly around 35,000 ft.)
LAX ATC: If you can get there you can have it. (Figured it was some wise ass bored pilot yanking his chain.)
Aspen103: Roger, descending to FL600

It was an SR-71 Blackbird !!!
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SR-71 stories are always impressive, if nothing else. Following is a good one heard from an Air Force crew chief who had worked on them, as told from the pilot’s vantage point.

I remember listening to radio traffic on LA Center’s frequency when a light single innocently asked Center for his ground track (wants to know how fast he’s going). After a momentary pause, Center replied, “November 1234A, showing you at… an impressive 138 across the ground.”

Well, guys being guys, it wasn’t but a second before a twin called up and asked for his speed. “November 5678B, showing you at 195.”

Not to be outdone, a Navy jet called up and asked for his. “Vixen 34, showing you at 394.”

It was then that I heard the all-too-familiar click of the VHF trigger in the back seat. “Center, Aspen 20, ground track, please.” There was a long pause before the reply, “Aspen,… one thousand, seven hundred thirty eight.” (That’s Mach 2.0 plus.)

The moments following that transmission were the quietest I can ever remember on LA’s frequency.
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“Frontier 421 cleared for the visual” . . . . . . . . . . . . . “Frontier 421, the airport is rapidly passing off your right” . . .”Frontier continue present heading for resequencing”

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Frankfurt Germany controllors are just (*&((&775s. Back in the 1970s, a Speedbird (British Air) pilot had made a small error with the taxi instructions and getting berated by the tower.

ATC: (Sarcastic Tone) Speedbird123…Haven’t you ever been here before?
Speedbird123: Yeah, once, about 30 years ago…I didn’t bother to land though.
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Last one from a commercial pilot.

Its early morning and were at FL330.
We’re number 5 or 6 in line going into ORD.
ATC comes on the radio and request best forward speed from an American plane that was leading the pack……here is the dialogue that followed:

ATC requests, American 1234, give me best forward speed
male pilot responds, “American 1234 we have it balls to the wall!”
ATC request traffic following, United 5678, give me best forward speed
female pilot responds, “We’ll I can’t give you balls to the wall, but I have it wide open!”